Better Off Divorced Read online

  11

  I didn’t sleep well. I missed Simon. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten used to another man sleeping next to me. By the time John left, it had almost been a relief to be alone in my room. It was the one place I knew I could cry and not be walked in on. I had done so much crying in this room. Now I felt something was missing. Or someone. I hoped Simon would be okay living here. I’d redone my bedroom once John had left. Maybe it was time to redo it again. I should repaint the kitchen too.

  I woke up James and made sure Paul and Tyler were getting ready. Simon texted just to say hello, and I smiled. I was opening a Lunchable to put it in a paper sack when there was a knock on the door. James ran to open it.

  I heard him say hello and then he came back to add extra cookies to his lunch.

  “Who was here?” I asked.

  “The girl from last night,” he said as he snatched a box of cereal.

  I looked to see Rebecca in a black, oversized dress with a cotton blue and gold shawl. Her hair was in a French braid with small wisps framing her face.

  I waved at her to come in and tried not to compare my middle-aged mom style with her young and free style. “Hey! Come on in. We're finishing up lunches.”

  “I just want money,” Tyler said. His shirt said, ‘down with capitalism. use lowercase’. He opened my purse and took a few dollars out of it and gave some to Paul.

  “I hope it’s okay if I drive with you.” Rebecca stepped around the table. “I didn’t sleep at all last night, and I ended up ready about an hour ago. I needed to go somewhere besides hanging out at the school, so here I am. I thought maybe I could help or something.”

  Paul and Tyler headed back downstairs.

  “How much money did you take?”

  “Enough,” Tyler yelled back.

  James walked up to Rebecca. “My mom got engaged to a man that’s not my dad. Sometimes he sleeps over.”

  I got a bowl down for James. “I usually don’t talk about sleepovers.”

  “I tell everyone when I get invited to sleep over.” He turned to Rebecca. “Mom would never let me sleep over someone’s house as much as Simon sleeps over here, but I guess everything became okay once they got engaged. I’m not sure if it was okay before but it’s unfair. Aunt Trudy used to live with Dad but then she got sick, went to the doctor and now has to live with the doctor. I’ve never been that sick before. I hope I never am.”

  “You won’t be,” I said. I cut up an apple and added it to James’s lunch. It was now officially a homemade lunch.

  “Can I have money?” James asked.

  “You don’t need money. You have a lunch.”

  The doorbell rang again. I knew Simon was already at work, but part of me hoped he’d left his meeting and come to help me. James ran back to the door.

  “Dad!” he yelled as he opened the door.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was getting to be a bad habit.

  Rebecca looked behind her and then walked toward me. “How can I help?” she asked under her breath. “Do you need me to pretend you aren’t here? I could be the new nanny.”

  “James has to be prepped or he gives everything away, if you hadn’t noticed. But I’m pretty sure John would get it when James couldn’t remember your name.”

  “I’m new.”

  I put my arm around her shoulder. “What you're about to witness will show you why who you marry and have children with is such an important decision.”

  I walked toward John. Today he was wearing a green polo shirt with stiff jeans. I wondered if he’d ironed them. If I could get John out of here quickly, the morning could still go relatively smoothly.

  “Hello, John.” I kept my voice low, hoping Paul hadn’t heard James yell. “What are you doing here this morning?”

  “I was hoping to have breakfast all together,” John said.

  “We don't eat breakfast together,” James said. “I already had cereal.”

  “I can make pancakes and bacon.” John walked into the kitchen. “I’m sure I still know where everything is.” He opened the pantry and took out pancake mix. He opened the fridge and took out bacon. “I can have it all ready in fifteen minutes.”

  I grabbed the bacon and put it back into the fridge. “We don’t have fifteen minutes to wait for you to make breakfast.”

  “I’m sure we can make an exception today,” John said, smiling at me.

  I grabbed the mixing bowl and put it back. I could feel the window of no screaming this morning slowly close as it got closer to the time Paul and Tyler left. “We really can’t make an exception today. The boys have core classes first period and I’m heading out with Rebecca.”

  John looked at Rebecca for the first time and leaned back on his heels. “Who’s Rebecca?”

  She shot her hand out to his face, so he had to shake it. “I was a student of Grace’s. She’s helping me with the reunion this weekend.”

  John turned toward me, holding the pancake mix. “What reunion?”

  “You don’t need to know right now.”

  “It sounds like if I don’t hear about it right now then I won’t hear about it at all.”

  “Works for me.”

  James came over and grabbed John’s hand. “Mom’s in charge of throwing a huge party for a bunch of people she used to teach. Rebecca is helping too. They get to have a field trip today and tomorrow there’s a dance, and I might be able to go help decorate. I don’t get to go to the field trip today though.” He sounded disappointed.

  “Maybe I could take you,” John said. He squeezed James’s hand.

  “I don’t think spending the day with ex-students of mine is a good enough reason to skip school. And he has a spelling test today. Don’t forget you also get your reading reward.”

  “That’s right. I get to pick a treasure from the treasure box.” He pulled on John's hand. “It's my favorite day.”

  John’s whole body shook from James pulling on it. He pulled his hand out from James’s grip and put the pancake mix on the counter. “I guess we don’t want you to miss that then.”

  Paul came running up the stairs. “Mom, I need…” He stopped when he saw John. “What are you doing here?”

  “To see if you wanted to go to breakfast with me. I could drop you off at school afterwards.”

  “I drive to school.”

  “Then we could both drive to breakfast and you could drive to school after that.”

  “I don’t eat breakfast.”

  “You used to eat breakfast. We all used to eat breakfast together.” John smiled. He leaned against the counter and put his hands in his jean pockets. He looked like he was trying to act as if he’d never left.

  “I don’t remember that,” James said.

  “That’s because it never happened,” Paul said.

  Tyler came up and stood by the entry of the kitchen. He tilted his head down so his hair hung in front of his eyes. “Am I missing a party?”

  James pulled my hand. “You should invite Simon, Mom. Then everyone will be here.”

  I wanted to give James a high five. John tried to keep his face stoic, but I saw the tiny flinch in his jaw when Simon was mentioned. “We aren’t inviting Simon, although thank you for remembering him. It’s always a better party when he's here.” I tried to see John’s reaction without looking directly at him. He’d recovered from James’s words, and he wasn’t going to let mine rattle him. “We don’t have enough time for that this morning. I don’t think your dad realized how early things happen around here.”

  “Or that some of us don’t eat breakfast,” Paul said.

  “If someone’s buying food, I’ll eat it,” Tyler said. “I can miss math. Math’s one of those useless courses anyhow.”

  “Ha!” I hit Tyler in the arm. “You aren’t missing math. You can make a plan with your dad to go out to breakfast next week.”

  “I wanted everyone to go together.”

  Tyler grabbed a granola bar. “What if you just give us the mon
ey today, Dad? We can hit McDonald’s on the way to school. That way you can still buy us breakfast and”—he turned to me and made a face “—I can go to math."

  “That's not the point,” John said.

  “Grab more money out of my purse,” I said. “James, go get your backpack and put your lunch in it.” I loaded the dishes in the dishwasher and wiped down the counter. Rebecca grabbed the pancake mix and put it back where she saw John take it from.

  “McDonald’s isn’t what I was thinking,” John said. He stayed leaning against the counter, so I had to wipe around him. I wanted to fling the rag at him.

  “I don't even eat breakfast so this will be a special day all thanks to your visit,” Paul said. He paused for emphasis, then added, “Dad.”

  I smiled to myself. “Okay. Everyone needs to grab jackets so we can all get out of here on time.”

  John turned to Paul. “When did you stop eating breakfast?”

  “Why do you care?” Paul asked. He shoved his hands in his pockets. It reminded me of John. His light and frayed jeans even reminded me of the ones John used to wear. “I don't like eating breakfast, and you didn’t know because you suck as a dad.”

  And there it was. I looked around the kitchen. It felt smaller than usual. We should’ve had this conversation by the table. It opened up to the living room and made everything seem bigger. Arguments always seem bigger when the room is smaller. Or maybe arguments just make the room seem smaller.

  “Okay. Everyone in cars, please.” I looked at Rebecca and motioned for her to head to the front door. “Is the garage blocked?”

  Rebecca started to say something when John spoke to Paul. “You can’t speak like that to me.” He turned to me. “You shouldn’t let him speak like that.”

  “Trust me,” I said. “I usually make him come up with far more creative things to say.” I pointed to the living room and mouthed the word ‘go’ to Tyler. He headed to the garage and I steered James in that direction. “We really need to go.”

  “I came to have breakfast as a family,” John said. “We need to spend more time as a family.”

  “Let’s talk about this later.”

  Rebecca opened the front door. “It looks like you need to move your car, John.”

  John stopped and glared at me. I turned to Paul. “Why don’t you and Tyler get in your car and wait while Rebecca and your dad move their cars.”

  Before Paul walked through the garage door, he surveyed John. “Go back to Trudy, Dad.”

  Rebecca stood at the door, waiting for John to walk to her.

  “This isn’t right, Grace.”

  “You did this, John. You know you did. So just get in your car and try something else. Something more subtle.”

  “Any suggestions? I never left the boys. You know that. I’ve been a good dad.”

  I exhaled loudly. “Look. You’re blocking the garage, and everyone has somewhere to be except you for some reason. So, I’ll just say one thing. There’s more to being a good dad than how you treat your boys. It’s also how you treat the mother of your boys, and Paul’s at an age where he’s realized that.”

  “You’ve poisoned him against me.”

  I held up my hand. “I haven’t. But when he’s asked me questions about what happened between us, I told him the truth.”

  “That made you look good.”

  “You may not believe me, but I did tell him I’d made mistakes. I told him that I didn’t like you by the time everything happened, and I should’ve been a nicer person. But he can do basic math, John. He knows you married Trudy while I was still pregnant with James. He figured it out and he hasn’t liked you much since.”

  “He hasn’t talked to me, really talked to me, for over a year.” John stood up straight. At least he wasn't leaning against the counter anymore. I would’ve just deserted him there, if Tyler and Paul could’ve left.

  I walked toward Rebecca at the front door. In order to see me, John had to come out of the kitchen. I motioned with my hands for him to follow me.

  “I’ve been nice to you,” John said.

  Rebecca looked at me. I think she wondered if I’d explode. “Please leave. That’s how you can be nice to me. By leaving.”

  John headed toward me. “The boys need their father. You know they do. Simon is not the same thing.”

  I kept making the shooing motion. “Leave. Now. You aren’t helping.”

  “Neither are you.” He stopped in front of me. “Admit it. It feels good to have Paul hate me. You’ve been hoping my sons would hate me since the day I left.”

  “True.”

  “It isn’t what’s best for them, Grace. You know that. I’m trying to do what's best for them. I’ve always tried to do what’s best for them.”

  I shuffled forward pulling the door with me. John was finally out of my house. Rebecca walked to her car and moved it onto the street so that Paul and Tyler were able to back out. “I need you to move your car.”

  “You haven’t disagreed with me.”

  I put my hands on my hips. “Look. I agree that the best thing for everyone is if you have a good relationship with everyone. I get that. And I probably could do better encouraging Paul to give you another chance. At the same time, I’m not going to force him. He needs to figure things out himself.”

  “He’s had a year.”

  “It’s a bit hypocritical for you to tell someone they need to get over their feelings. You left. You took your feelings and decided you didn't have any for me anymore. Maybe he’s done the same.”

  “You can’t do that with your dad.”

  “Why not? Why is it any different than a spouse?” John opened his mouth to speak. I didn’t give him a chance. “Look. I don’t want to argue about differences between parents and spouses. He needs to figure this out and if I try to force it, then he’ll hate both of us. I’m not willing to do that. You controlled how our family dissolved. Now you're just going to have to be patient. You can’t control this. Stop trying.”

  “We could control it together.”

  “No. I honestly don’t think we could.”

  “Then maybe a judge can.”

  My head snapped up to see John’s smug smile. “Paul is old enough for a judge to listen to him.”

  “I could still take you to court.”

  I took a step toward him then stopped myself. He wanted a confrontation, and I was finished giving him what he wanted.

  I walked to the garage and got into my car. James was strapped in the backseat playing on his iPod. I knew I should take it away from him, but I was too relieved he hadn’t paid attention to John and me.

  Rebecca got in her car, and we waited for John to move his.

  12

  “How are you doing?” Rebecca asked after we dropped James off at school.

  I kept silent and tried to breath. It had taken every ounce of strength to stay silent while James was in the car. I didn’t know what would come out if I opened my mouth. I couldn’t decide if I was more angry at what John was doing, or how riled up I was letting myself get because of him.

  Rebecca placed her hand on my arm.

  I pulled the car to the side of the road, leaned my head against the steering wheel, and let the tears come.

  “How do I make this all okay?” I kept my head against the steering wheel.

  “I don't know,” Rebecca said.

  I leaned back and exhaled a shaky breath. “Now do you see why I don’t have answers? I’m hoping James can grow up with a good relationship with John, so he doesn’t have to go through what Paul is.”

  “That could happen,” Rebecca said, looking straight ahead.

  I stole a glimpse at her. “You don’t sound very certain.”

  “I wouldn’t enjoy finding out my dad left my mom while my mom was still pregnant with me.”

  “If it’s handled right, he won’t feel like it’s his fault. I think I’m finally at a place where I can handle it okay.”

  “How’s that?”


  “The marriage had a lot of problems. We didn’t get along towards the end. We tried to make it work and from trying James was created. He was born because two people were doing their best. Unfortunately, our best wasn’t good enough.”

  Rebecca turned towards me. “You can say that without throwing up?”

  “Telling him his dad was a two-timing bastard doesn’t seem to be the right course of action. My only other option is to not say anything at all and tell him to ask his dad. Even though I doubt his dad will tell him the truth. When he left, Trudy told people I’d had an affair, and he turned to her for comfort. I think she told people her husband had also had an affair. So everyone was having affairs except for the two people who were. I don’t put it past him to do something like that again. I think Trudy was the instigator before, but he’s spent seven-ish years with her and who knows what he’s learned from her.”

  Rebecca straightened in her seat. “I can’t believe he thinks he can get you back.”

  “He knows I missed our family. I love Simon. But it’s not the same feeling I had before when all five of us were together. Simon is better, but the feeling of family is different.” I pounded my head on the steering wheel. “I don't have time for this.” I pulled back into traffic. “If someone brings up a subject you feel insecure about this weekend, just remember your life is better than mine.”

  Rebecca shifted to face me. “You’re amazing. You have three great boys and you’re a great teacher. I had you your first year of teaching, and I swear I learned more in your class than any other. And Simon is hot.”

  “Yeah. How did that happen?”

  “You're fantastic and he's smart.”

  I shook my head.

  We arrived at the school, and I pulled around to the back parking lot. Four buses were waiting by the edge of the lot. I parked as close to the buses as I could. Both of us let out a deep breath and laughed.