Better Off Divorced Read online

  Rebecca blushed and took a step back toward Justin. He moved so that she stood against him, her instep next to his. They looked like they fit together. They also looked young.

  “Just don’t make any permanent decisions, right now,” I said. “Maybe don’t make any permanent decisions ever.”

  Rebecca’s face fell. “What do you mean?”

  I nodded toward John and Trudy who were watching me. “You never know when you could make a decision like marrying a guy named John because he told you were cute and sent you flowers—until he stops. And you end up with a Trudy. To make matters even worse, you have kids thrown in.”

  “The boys are amazing,” John said.

  I looked at him dazed. “Yes, they are. I wish they’d spontaneously appeared instead of needing your sperm to connect with my egg.”

  “Maybe we should come back in a little while,” Justin said and tried to lead Rebecca to the door.

  Rebecca stared at me. “What are you saying?”

  “I don’t have any answers.”

  Simon took his hand out of mine. “Maybe we all need to take a step back tonight. I think we’re all tired and the night is taking a sharp turn.”

  “What did you think was going to happen?” Trudy asked.

  Simon rubbed his hand through his hair. “I guess I thought you’d just come and get him.”

  “He’s not my kid. He’s my soon-to-be ex.” Trudy swiped her arms out. “I’m not responsible for him.”

  "But you are,” Simon said. “You created this situation; you need to clean it up.”

  Trudy put her finger to her lips as if she was thinking about it. “No. I don’t think so. I think I’m making the smart decision here and walking away unscathed.”

  “Why did you come when I called you?” Simon asked.

  Trudy tilted her head to the left. “Curious.”

  “You really are a bitch,” Rebecca said.

  Trudy looked at her and then back at me. She pointed at Rebecca. “Who is this and why do I care what she thinks?”

  “A friend and it’s because you care what everyone thinks.” Simon said. “The only reason why you’re talking like this right now is because you think you have the upper hand. You and I both know that all you care about is public opinion. It’s probably why you’re with Gary now.”

  Trudy leaned back and placed her elbows on the counter. “Do tell.”

  “I may be the newest to this psychotic group, but ever since I met you, I’ve known that you only cared about appearances. You thought you looked better with John than you did with Cleo. John was willing to get a new job for you and support you in any of the stupid business ideas you came up with. Cleo liked the status quo. You wore the pants in that relationship, so to speak, and you wanted someone with more backbone—or so you thought. Accordingly, you went after John. But then something happened. You married him and you realized that John wasn’t who you thought he was after all. It was really Grace standing behind John making him who he was the whole time. You were jealous of Grace when you were married to Cleo. I think you wish you could marry Grace, to be honest.”

  Trudy watched Simon while he spoke. I wondered how hard it was for her to force her face to stay neutral, so she didn’t show any emotion.

  “I’m pretty sure I’d know if Trudy was a lesbian,” John said.

  I spun toward him. “Please stop talking. You’re making me feel like a simpleton because of the stupid things you’re saying. I don’t understand how you have anything to do with anything anymore.”

  “That made no sense,” John said. “And I’ve done a good job with my new family.”

  I ignored him and turned to Trudy. “You tried to be James’s mother, much to my annoyance. James thinks of you as his other mom. I know he isn’t yours, but you’ve been around since his birth. Why did you try so hard to be his mom just to leave him now?”

  Trudy slowly looked me over. She kept her face void of emotion. "I care about James. I was the one who took care of him and you know that. John was never much of a hands-on dad unless I forced him."

  “Hey, I did better with James than Tyler or Paul,” John said.

  Trudy flicked her hand at him as though she were swatting away a fly. “I will miss James. I do think of him as my kid, but he isn’t. He’s not my child and John isn’t what I wanted. It’s time for everyone to move on.”

  “I can’t. John will always be in my life.” I felt my hands tighten into fists again.

  “I’ll keep an eye on James, but I can’t stay for him. Everyone will be happier. You’ll see.”

  I stared at her. She had ruined my life twice, it seemed. This time wasn't as bad as the first, but her decisions kept affecting me and my children. I hated it. I wanted just one of my decisions to have a negative effect on her. I wanted to be able to do something that would make her cry as much as I had when John told me I didn’t fulfill his needs like Trudy did. I doubted John even knew what that phrase meant. I figured he meant Trudy would do things in bed I wouldn't.

  I loosened my hands and they went back into fists. I kept loosening and tightening and loosening and tightening. I remembered the times Trudy put her name down as “parent contact” for the boys. Or the times she brought Valentine treats to James’s class, so she could feel like a ‘fun mom.’ I remembered the boys coming back in clothes that were too small with a note saying it was my turn to buy the shoes. John telling me he couldn’t pay for Tae Kwon Do, but he and Trudy could pay for a week in Hawaii. And then Trudy telling the Tae Kwon Do coach she was James’s mom. Not stepmom. I remembered Trudy making sure I knew every time John would bring her flowers, or how often he cooked for her because she knew he never did those things for me. He stopped for her too, but it still hurt. I remembered Trudy showing up at each one of Paul and Tyler’s games, in heels and tight pants and walking over to John just to kiss him and then leave. Trudy demanding she go to every parent-teacher conference until a teacher asked her not to come. I remembered the birthday gift James gave me that Trudy had picked out. He’d handed it to me and said he knew I wouldn’t like it but Trudy said I would. He didn’t look too happy about it either. I remembered Trudy waving at Paul and Tyler’s friends in a flirty way. Making matching St. Patrick Day shirts and all the other things she would do to try to feel like my family was her’s. My hands curled into fists and stayed there. I breathed deeply and tried to calm down.

  “I thought you’d be happy I’m leaving,” Trudy said. “You won’t have me behind John fighting for more visitation or less child support. This could be good for you.”

  I didn’t see her anymore. I didn’t see anything anymore. I saw pure white, and then I pulled my fist back and thrust it forward.

  It connected with her cheek and she went down.

  27

  I’d never hit anyone before. My hand started to swell immediately, and I was sure I was in more pain than Trudy. She stumbled backup. Simon opened the freezer to get some ice while John stood there with his mouth open. Once his shock wore off, he laughed. I would’ve punched him also if my hand wasn’t throbbing. I’d done a good share of kickboxing at the gym, but sandbags with padded gloves had not fully prepared me to actually hit someone flesh on bone. At least I had good fist form and my thumb wasn’t broken.

  “I don’t think Principal Bennett saw this coming,” Justin said.

  I peered over at Rebecca while Simon walked over to Trudy and put ice on her cheek. Rebecca tensed her neck.

  I nodded a few times and walked over to the freezer to get myself ice. It took a moment for me to open the door and with my left hand.

  I didn’t feel any better. I thought I would. I know people say hitting someone doesn’t make you feel better. I don’t know who those people are, but I know I’ve heard that more than once. But still, I’d thought about hitting her so many times before this. I was surprised I didn’t feel at least a little better. Instead, all I felt was physical pain. I looked down at my hand. It was swelling and red. I wasn’t s
ure if the redness was from the hit or the ice. At least I didn’t break skin. It seems like street fighters in movies always end up with bleeding knuckles.

  I glanced up. Rebecca was staring at me. Justin was watching all of us awestruck. I’d startled Rebecca with my actions, but I don’t think she was as surprised as Justin. To be honest, I don’t think anyone else in the room was entirely surprised I’d hit Trudy. Justin just needed to get to know me better.

  “I thought that would’ve happened seven years ago. Not now,” John said. He was still smirking at me.

  “Well, if you’d genuinely wanted her back, you probably should’ve been the one to run to her aid rather than Simon,” I said as I lifted my bag of ice.

  Simon had Trudy leaning against a counter while holding the ice to her cheek. She wasn’t bleeding, but it would be a couple of days before the left side of her face looked normal. Simon ignored all of us while he made sure Trudy was okay. I watched Trudy snuggle closer into him while glaring at me. She kept a straight face, but her eyes stared me down. She felt in control of the situation. That’s what made me regret my actions the most.

  “I’m going to go back out and see how James is,” Rebecca said. She grabbed Justin’s hand. “Come on.” She stopped by me. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he stays out there until you’re ready to go.”

  I looked over at John. I couldn’t tell if he’d remembered he’d left James alone at a high school reunion or not. At the time of the divorce, I told myself he was a good father. It was the only way I could live with the kids being with him every other week. I looked at Trudy. Maybe it was because I’d just hit her, but I was seeing her in a different light. Even though I could tell she was trying to figure out how to use the situation to her advantage, I realized Trudy had taken care of my kids. Some would even say she did a decent job. I may have thought she dressed my kids like they were homeless, but they were generally clean when they came back from their dad’s. I knew she’d been the one to cook and clean and do the laundry because John just didn’t do those things. Trudy had been there for them. She’d probably made their lives better than if it had just been John. Single dad John would’ve been fairly useless. I made a mental note to pack extra clean clothes for James from now on whenever he went to John’s. I hoped Trudy would go away after this and not help John if he did go through with his threat of custody. My stomach fell. I’d given John good ammunition with that punch.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  Simon peered at me and pushed his glasses up. He didn’t look angry, just perplexed. My apology probably shocked him. It shocked me.

  I’d always waited for an apology from Trudy and John. Trudy spent the first three years not even acknowledging my existence. To be fair, I didn’t acknowledge her either unless it was to poke fun at how pathetic she was. John once told me he was “sorry for everything.” When I asked him to expound, he’d made a sweeping arm gesture and replied, “You know. Everything.” Then he pat me on the shoulder and got back in his car. It had taken him two years to acknowledge maybe he’d done something he should apologize for and he couldn't even admit to what. Trudy had sent me a birthday card one year that said she hoped we could one day be friends again. It mentioned how she didn’t know what to say to me. I thought she should’ve tried writing more than one paragraph. Or she could’ve thrown herself on my lawn, pleading for forgiveness while rending her clothes. I’d read about people doing that in the Bible. Maybe then I wouldn’t have punched her. Then again, I also remember reading something about an eye for an eye. I hoped that didn’t mean I needed to sleep with Gary.

  John put his hands in his jean pockets. “What are you sorry for?”

  I made a sweeping arm gesture and said, “You know. Everything.”

  28

  Trudy limped a little. My new kind feelings toward her were fleeing as she tried to convince us that being hit in the face had somehow hurt her leg. Simon put Trudy’s hand on the ice pack to hold against her face and helped her stand straight with the other hand.

  “If you try too hard, you’ll get less sympathy,” Simon said under his breath. Trudy nodded slightly and stood straight.

  I took a step toward her with my hands up. “I’m honestly sorry. I would say I didn’t mean to do that, but as John pointed out, I don’t think anyone is shocked, exactly. But that’s not an excuse. I guess rage got the better of me, and I lost control for a moment.”

  Trudy looped her arm around Simon’s and leaned on him. He glanced over at me with a look that told me this was my fault and that he was not happy about being a support beam.

  I smiled meekly at him and walked over to them. I tried to take her arm from his so she could lean against me, but she wouldn’t let go.

  “I think I’ll stay where I am.” Trudy tightened her grip on Simon. He leaned toward her under the pressure. “We obviously don’t know what you’ll do.”

  Simon pulled up to loosen her grip. “I think maybe we should all go back out to the dance.” He looked at John. “Maybe some of us should leave the building.”

  “I can’t go out looking like this,” Trudy said. “I don’t want to be remembered as the girl who got hit at the high school reunion.”

  “This isn’t your high school reunion,” I said. “None of these people even know who you are. Or what happened to you. You could walk out the back and no one would think a thing.”

  “I could press charges,” Trudy said.

  I widened my stance and leaned back. I was scared she would and I'd lose my job, but she didn’t need to know that. I looked over at John. He had his stupid half grin on his face again. I had a feeling he would think I was going to jail for him. I wished I’d punched him.

  “What do you want, Trudy?”

  She looked between John and me. She tried to look up at Simon, but he held her next to him so she couldn’t turn her head and keep an ice pack on her cheek.

  “I only came because I was asked.”

  Simon exhaled loudly. “I thought you’d help. I didn’t think you'd make things worse.” He gazed at me. “I know I should’ve known better. But it was the first thing I thought of.”

  I shrugged.

  “It was a great idea,” John said. “This has been a great evening.”

  “You should be with your son,” I said. I stood back and shook my head. “Actually, no you shouldn’t. James should be at Mindy’s house and you should be anywhere but here with your son. I think that’s what makes me the most mad. You act like an idiot, and drag James into it, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Ever since you and Trudy decided you were above all the rules and ‘meant for each other,’” I air quoted the last phrase, ‘you’ve dragged our kids through mud, and you haven’t cared. You say you care that Paul and Tyler won’t visit anymore, but I don’t think you do. You haven’t altered your actions in any way to change that. They know how you treat me and what you did. You could be kinder to me and put us first, but you won’t. You refuse. Even though you married Trudy, you still should’ve treated me like the mother of your children because I am the mother of your children.”

  John’s half smile faltered. “I dunno what you mean. I pay you child support.”

  I closed my eyes, inhaled then exhaled. “Why didn’t I see all of this before?” I said quietly. My eyes glossed over with tears. I was so tired. I’d been determined to marry a good man. Someone who would take care of me and our children. John had said everything right. He’d even done everything right. Until he stopped. It wasn’t fair I couldn’t tell he’d cheat on me and leave me. He should’ve told me that was a possibility. I probably would’ve ignored him, but maybe I would have seen the signs or something.

  Then he’d upped his game with Trudy. He did things with her I’d asked him to do with me. He played with the kids instead of watching sports every night. It hurt to know he’d changed for her and not me. Yes, he’d fallen back into old routines and become useless to live with again, but he’d given up so much by breaking our family ap
art. And now he said he wanted another chance to make it right for James. My eyes filled with tears.

  I looked at the door. Rebecca had left it open and was playing with James. She’d been asking me questions I wished I’d asked myself. But there weren’t any right answers. I didn’t know John would cheat. He didn’t for seven years. I couldn’t know if Simon would cheat on me. But he wasn’t John and he wouldn’t do things like John. Still, there weren’t any guarantees. He’d go for someone a lot classier than Trudy at least.

  Maybe that’s why it’s called “being faithful.” You have to put all of your faith and trust in another person to stay true to you.

  I turned back to Trudy. “What are you going to do?”

  She looked at me for a minute. “I should press charges. Part of me wants to press charges. You haven’t been the easiest person to follow, you know. I knew when he was wishing he could be back with you. I guess you’re a better cook or whatever.” She motioned with her hand like she was trying to wipe me away. “At the same time, I was a bitch to you. And boy-toy over here” she pointed at John “is easy to manipulate. I probably could’ve made things a little easier for you, but that just wasn’t the part. You were the enemy.”

  “And now I’m not?” I asked.

  She took the ice off of her face. “I don’t want John anymore.” She shrugged. “There’s no reason to look at you that way.” She placed the ice on the counter. “There’s no reason to look at you at all.” She pulled away from Simon. “I think I’m just going to go.”

  John took a step toward her. “How can you suddenly not want me?”

  Trudy put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s been a long time coming. We fell in love with having an affair and hurting our spouses because we believed they’d hurt us. You don’t care for me the way you used to. You’re only mad because I found someone first. You’d have no problem if you were sleeping with someone else. Who knows? Maybe you are.”